Thursday, July 6th: Into the Abyss
Ugh -- hopefully this little 10-day hiatus from posting was a mere aberration. I just hadn't really been feeling in the mood to write about poker, lately. Why? Well, 2 weeks ago I wrote about having an utterly terrible day at the tables: to the tune of -$20,000. Not fun but of course it would turn around, like it always does, right?
Wrong.
The next day was another -$10K loss. And the following day another -$12K. And another 5-figure loss the day after that. Those types of numbers don't exactly inspire the journalistic muse, and hence I needed a little time to let my thoughts about this all coalesce.
While I may seem to refer to these big numbers casually, make no mistake about it: this is a very big deal to me. I may play high-stakes, but for a guy who had only rarely lost more than $5,000 in a single day, to check your numbers and see $60,000 less money to your name than you had a week prior, well, that's not chump change. To say it was confidence-shaking would be a grave understatement -- I went through all the typical 'bad beat' emotions: "geez that was a bad beat," "wow I've never run so bad", "is this even possible?" "have I just been really really lucky up to this point?", etc, etc. All pretty juvenile thoughts when it comes right down to it, but like all people who have run bad at one point or another, they seem perfectly rational at the time. I won't torment anyone with bad beat stories here -- I just ran bad, and that's really all you can say about it. Rather, I think it might prove more worthwhile to my readership here (and more productive for my own psyche) if I jot down some thoughts about how I've been handling the pscyhologically-draining mindset that goes along with a tough stretch of cards -- and man, this was a doozy.
First thing I did was to read some 2+2 threads from winning players who ran especially bad. It just acts as a reminder that it's normal! I spent a lot of time reading through this thread, which describes an apparent 1,500 big bet downswing from a supposedly winning limit player. Now remember: the general consensus is that you should have a 300 big bet (BB) bankroll for whatever stakes you play (in lmit at least), so the mere idea that a winning player could have a 1500 BB swoon is practically incomprehensible. But if nothing else, it drives home the point that there's absolutely nothing magical about that 300 BB benchmark. after all, if you acknowledge that 300 big-bets is possible, then think of the entire universe of people who have gone through 300bb downswings. Of that population, surely there are going to be more than a couple who endure a second 300BB downswing immediately on the heels of their first, n'est-ce-pas?
I also literally forced myself to take 4 or 5 days completely away from the game -- this is a pretty cliche piece of advice, but I finally understand just why it makes so much sense. It's not, as I used to think, simply to prevent tilt, or to stop the bleeding / freefall. Rather, it helps me to avoid getting into bad habits. I can't remember ever having 5 straight losing days, let alone 5 straight of the magnitude that I dealt with last month, but one of the most dangerous mindsets that I've ever been in, I've found, is one where I simply expect to lose. I'll sit down and literally prepare myself to drop 60 - 80 BBs, an unhealthy mindset if there ever was one. And you know something weird: when I finally did get back to playing, it was as though the horror of the previous week had all been a dream. And in many ways it was a complete hallucination. After all, I was the same exact person that I had been before my losses...was I really going to let the number in my Neteller or bank account define what kind of person or poker player I am? When you get right down to it, there are very things in life as insignificant as the number in your bank account...and it just seemed so foolish to have let that get me so down, when it had exactly zero tangible effect on my life.
Anyhow, I'm rambling now, so I'll cut this post short...didn't really feel like it was going anywhere. In case you're wondering, I'm actually around 2/3 of the way out of that unspeakable hole I dug for myself...so hopefully one of these days this will all just be a distant memory: a war story I can tell about how I lost my entire annual salary from a few years back in 5 measly days. Geez, it boggles the mind to just think about it, and really drives home how far I've come with this game in just the last year and a half. I'll post again soon, hopefully something more substantive than the above...forgive me: it's 4:30 in the morning, and I've been working on something extraordinarily exciting that I'll be ready to reveal here in the not-too-distant future.
Wrong.
The next day was another -$10K loss. And the following day another -$12K. And another 5-figure loss the day after that. Those types of numbers don't exactly inspire the journalistic muse, and hence I needed a little time to let my thoughts about this all coalesce.
While I may seem to refer to these big numbers casually, make no mistake about it: this is a very big deal to me. I may play high-stakes, but for a guy who had only rarely lost more than $5,000 in a single day, to check your numbers and see $60,000 less money to your name than you had a week prior, well, that's not chump change. To say it was confidence-shaking would be a grave understatement -- I went through all the typical 'bad beat' emotions: "geez that was a bad beat," "wow I've never run so bad", "is this even possible?" "have I just been really really lucky up to this point?", etc, etc. All pretty juvenile thoughts when it comes right down to it, but like all people who have run bad at one point or another, they seem perfectly rational at the time. I won't torment anyone with bad beat stories here -- I just ran bad, and that's really all you can say about it. Rather, I think it might prove more worthwhile to my readership here (and more productive for my own psyche) if I jot down some thoughts about how I've been handling the pscyhologically-draining mindset that goes along with a tough stretch of cards -- and man, this was a doozy.
First thing I did was to read some 2+2 threads from winning players who ran especially bad. It just acts as a reminder that it's normal! I spent a lot of time reading through this thread, which describes an apparent 1,500 big bet downswing from a supposedly winning limit player. Now remember: the general consensus is that you should have a 300 big bet (BB) bankroll for whatever stakes you play (in lmit at least), so the mere idea that a winning player could have a 1500 BB swoon is practically incomprehensible. But if nothing else, it drives home the point that there's absolutely nothing magical about that 300 BB benchmark. after all, if you acknowledge that 300 big-bets is possible, then think of the entire universe of people who have gone through 300bb downswings. Of that population, surely there are going to be more than a couple who endure a second 300BB downswing immediately on the heels of their first, n'est-ce-pas?
I also literally forced myself to take 4 or 5 days completely away from the game -- this is a pretty cliche piece of advice, but I finally understand just why it makes so much sense. It's not, as I used to think, simply to prevent tilt, or to stop the bleeding / freefall. Rather, it helps me to avoid getting into bad habits. I can't remember ever having 5 straight losing days, let alone 5 straight of the magnitude that I dealt with last month, but one of the most dangerous mindsets that I've ever been in, I've found, is one where I simply expect to lose. I'll sit down and literally prepare myself to drop 60 - 80 BBs, an unhealthy mindset if there ever was one. And you know something weird: when I finally did get back to playing, it was as though the horror of the previous week had all been a dream. And in many ways it was a complete hallucination. After all, I was the same exact person that I had been before my losses...was I really going to let the number in my Neteller or bank account define what kind of person or poker player I am? When you get right down to it, there are very things in life as insignificant as the number in your bank account...and it just seemed so foolish to have let that get me so down, when it had exactly zero tangible effect on my life.
Anyhow, I'm rambling now, so I'll cut this post short...didn't really feel like it was going anywhere. In case you're wondering, I'm actually around 2/3 of the way out of that unspeakable hole I dug for myself...so hopefully one of these days this will all just be a distant memory: a war story I can tell about how I lost my entire annual salary from a few years back in 5 measly days. Geez, it boggles the mind to just think about it, and really drives home how far I've come with this game in just the last year and a half. I'll post again soon, hopefully something more substantive than the above...forgive me: it's 4:30 in the morning, and I've been working on something extraordinarily exciting that I'll be ready to reveal here in the not-too-distant future.
posted by Blog Administrator at 2:43 PM
5 Comments:
So what was your BB loss!?
graph please!?
Have you changed your bankroll management rules because of this, like increasing the number of BB you keep in neteller?
Good job jumping back on the horse and working your way out of the hole.
Those numbers are pretty scary but there's no doubt you'll get back the last of it then go on a hot streak.
I mean - you're the Law School Dropout, for crying out loud!
Good luck this week - give 'em hell!
I feel your pain. -23K last 4 days. Definitely not to the tune of -60k but always makes me feel better when I know that other players are going through the same thing. Great blog btw just found it hits home with me thanks for investing the time to put this on the net
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