Wednesday, May 31: Comisery

Interesting to see that last post prompt some philosophical debate...I guess it's just further incentive to keep posting here: I try to be nothing, if not thought-provoking.

It's been a whirlwind first 5 months to the year...my poker goal at the outset of this semester was to try and get in 20,000 hands / month...with all the trips I took, I think I came in at around 15 to 18 thousand / month, which I think is just fine, considering I have kept up the winrate I had hoped for. Went to the big 5-year college reunion last weekend, an environment ripe for life stock-taking and nostalgia. Surprisingly, very few people had changed much from what I remembered...many were married, and some were pregnant, but on the whole people looked quite similar to how I remembered them. What I found interesting, though, was that the 5-year reunion registration table was right next to the 10-year reunion table, and I thought those coming back for their 10-year looked noticeably older than us...they looked like -- dare I say -- grown-ups. Full beards, thinning hair, baby strollers -- is that really going to be us in just 5 short years?!?? My least favorite aspect of the reunion was a heavy dose of something that I really thought my classmates had done a good job avoiding in our 4 years of college: a real sense of smug self-importance, almost snobbery. I guess it's to be expected when we all come together for the first time in 5 years, and only have 36 hours (or a 5-minute conversation) to bring each other up to date on what we've been doing since graduation: it's only natural to 'hit the high notes', so to speak. But I just didn't like it: I'm already starting to see that 'cocktail party elitism' that I always found so unattractive when I'd overhear adults at dinner parties, or running into each other on the street when I was younger. Who they worked for, when they got their last promotion, what vacation they have planned for the upcoming year (vacatioN? singular??? I've taken a half dozen in the first 5 months of this year alone! Ugh, depressing.) My own story that I had to tell was pretty unassailable: 2 years of consulting, followed by law school...pretty airtight for a superficial 3-minute rendez-vous with ex-classmates, but I think it still masks to some extent the fact that I have no idea what I would be doing with my life if it were not for poker. My parents, in case you were wondering, are more or less as supportive as 2 neurotic Jewish parents can be: they recognize the fact that with undergraduate and law degrees from two of the country's great schools, I'm not the type who's going to end up homeless on the street...they're happy that I've found something I enjoy doing (between my poker play, and internet businesses), but recognize, as do I, that neither is any kind of long-term career. One of my fraternity brothers I saw at the 5-year, who is actually doing quite well himself (objectively speaking) and is close to being named a VP at his investment bank at the age of 27, heard my story of incessant head-butting with higher-ups at the last couple corporate companies I've worked for (most recently my law firm from last summer), and asked incredulously why I couldn't have just "toughed it out and flown straight" for a measly 3 months instead of being generally unenthused and indifferent toward work that summer. The short answer is: I have no idea -- I seem incapable of feigning interest for work that doesn't fuel any kind of internal passion. I wondered: is this world simply full of people "toughing it out" in jobs that don't stimulate them intellectually? (Not everybody...I know there are a lucky few who can't wait to get up in the morning and get to work, but are the vast majority simply doomed to work in unstimulating careers for the steady paycheck?) And more to the point: without poker (which may or may not be being dealt a blow with the latest proposed bill to regulate internet gambling), would I be resigned to a similar fate? (Or will the revelations about these issues that I've found thanks to poker, and which I've written about here, help me avoid that well-worn and unfulfilling path?)

The fact of the matter is that I actually happen to be extraordinarily happy right now. An odd thing to say, I know, since admitting to being happy seems to be almost taboo in today's culture, which seems to overtly encourage people to commiserate over all the things going wrong in their lives. I can't help but notice that people seem to naturally gravitate toward comparing all of their life miseries: how much they dislike their jobs, how their back is acting up so they can't lift weights anymore, how they hate seeing all of their friends get married, their terrible boss, the fact they had to cancel their vacation last-minute because of work...why is everyone trying to one-up each other with stories of unhappiness and despair? I feel almost ostracized for admitting that I'm pretty happy with how things are going. I've had one hell of a start to the year: A trip to Vegas during the tech and porn conventions (also saw Ludacris do a surprise 30-minute set at a Vegas club), went to the infamous Wing Bowl in Philadelphia, Took a week trip to South Beach for a friend's engagement party followed by a week-long Party Poker Million cruise + tournament in the Carribean, and smaller trips to my friend's farmhouse in upstate NY, the Preakness stakes for a bachelor party, a Yanks-Sox game at Fenway, Chicago (which I had never been to) and a game at Wrigley, Virginia for a softball tournament, Atlantic City, and off to Australia in a few short weeks...I really feel blessed to have had these opportunities, but at the same time it's hard to talk about how great these experiences have been without coming across as a little spoiled, or snobby. But there you have it: Im really happy with how this year's gone so far and not, as it happens, for any poker-related achievements (although they have undoubtedly helped me finance some of the above experiences). I have a few more things to write on these topics, + a post I'd like to make about poker and the (perhaps faux) sense of financial security that accompanies it, but I have to run for now; Chicago beckons.